Loser no more

Right now I'm supposed to be ironing my uniform for school tomorrow. But, whatever.

All I can think about is how I feel towards you. Which is nothing.

i NOTHING you.

I know that it's over now. I feel nothing. You feel nothing.
Maybe I held on to you the way I did, because you actually looked me in the eyes, and saw me. For me. And most of all, you LOVED me. For me...

You loved me when I looked terrible.
You loved me when I wasn't my best.
I wasn't the most fantastic.
But still, you loved me...

But there's nothing left now.
And I'm not hurt.
I knew this was going to happen.
I was waiting for it.

But what bothers me now, is that there's no one who sees me for me anymore.
There's no one who feels the way you did about me.
It feels like there's no one who looks at me, and sees all the great things I am.

Why is that?

Why don't people see me the way you did?

How did you see my depth?
Why were'nt you a normal guy and just look for a easy, shallow girl?

How did you see my beauty?
Why were'nt you a normal guy and just look for a HOT, sexy girl?

How did you see my confidence?
Why weren't you a normal guy and just look for one of those "damsels in distress"?

Why did I, considering all the things I am, and am not, attract you?
How did I make you fall for me?

How did I, by just being me, make you love me?

I am so much.
I have so much to offer.
But why doesn't anyone see that?

I am not a loser anymore. Because I am not in love with you anymore.
Hence, the title....

I. AM. A. LOSER.

THE LOSER THAT'S IN LOVE WITH YOU

a.k.a. = ME

You ain't seen pathetic until you've seen me.
You ain't seen a loser until you've seen me.

Half true....

"You lose sleep over me, cuz I'm constantly running around in your mind and in your dreams."
"You lose your appetite cuz of me."
"You write songs about me."
"You miss me."

All those things you said (and more) are only HALF true...

I don't lose sleep over you. Well, not anymore.

I have never lost my appetite over anyone.

Yes, I write songs about you.

And yes, I miss you.

But you will never know. Well, maybe you will. But not now.

I"m trying my best to not give in to your charm.

You break my heart. All the time. And I can't trust you with my heart.

But you make it too easy for me to keep falling for you over and over again.

You missed your chance. But you said I missed mine.

What would it have been like together, I often wonder.

I think it would've been better than everything we already were.

But I've been dreaming too long.

I wanna wake up. Put the memory of you in a box. Lock it away.

But you come back, just when I forget you.

I don't wanna say I want you to go away.

I don't want you to.

But every time you come back, my face lights up. My heart lights up.

AND FOR WHAT?!?!?

For the pathetic little memory I save in my heart?
For the pathetic little fantasy I have in my heart?
For the pathetic little feeling I keep in my heart?

It shouldn't be like this.

But I'll take what I can get.
I'll take whatever little piece of you I can get.

And I'm sorry that I broke your heart to pieces, spat on it and ran it over.
But it's vice versa, Baby... VICE VERSA...


I know I'm special. Thank You for being the one to notice, and actually liking my specialness...

"This is the part where you break my heart.
Where you tear it all apart.
This is when you tell me goodbye.
Let go of my hand. And leave me there."

UPDATE!

Married.
LOL.
On Wednesday, I married Michelle Seck Wei Qi (is she gonna be mad that I wrote her full name? TEEHEE!) on FaceBook. She didn't taste like Cherry Chapsitck. Soooo disappointing. I divorced her after maybe an hour, cuz I wanted to marry someone else. HAHAHAHA. If I could've stayed married to her, I would've. But I couldn't... AWwwwwWWWwww.... Too bad...

We had an AWESOME lesbian bitch fight about our "marriage" on FaceBook. Its UBER funny!! So, yeah. The divorce was finalized and I married someone else. TEEHEE. All the comments about us being married were really funny. TEEHEE.

I cut my hair yesterday. If I knew how to style it right, my hair would totally be THE SHIT! Like, its SOOO rocker man! I've got bangs now, and my hair is thinner, and lighter, and so much nicer. Mom liked it FULL! But it was so hot under all that hair!

Anyway... I'm going to see the monkeys (the ones with the really big nose and eternal erection) and the fire flies tomorrow. TEEHEE. With the American volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Its gonna be fun!

OH! Our school had "mini sukan" on Thursday. I didn't qualify for cakera, peluruh (so disapointed) OR running (like DUH). But I think I might have qualified for Javelin. TEEHEE. I've tried that before and SUCKED at it. This time, dunno why, I did it well. What does that mean for the future? TRAINING. UNDER THE HOT SUN! MISSING CLASS! NNNOOOOO!!! Can I NOT join? I guess I could... TEEHEE.

Our class lost its "Buku Urus Diri". And now everyone has to pay RM10, that's right, TEN DOLLARS! For one tiny little book that I don't even use. Like hell I'm gonna pay money for something I don't use. Yeah, I use the toilet, but mostly during recess. And in the four years I've been in that school, I think I only ever really needed to use that tiny book FOUR times... JUST four.... So, yeah. Send me to Lily. Call my parents and everything'll be alright. TEEHEE.

I made brownies today! They're not sweet enough though... Sad... But still. I like eating them... TEEHEE.

Every one's getting sick now. OH NO! beware... TEEHEE.

Science and Math to BM??!! Another reason for us to doubt them....

Performing Arts, Culinary, Event Management, Hotel Management, Resort Management.... WHICH ONE??!?!

Pants getting baggy at the ass area, means, ASS IS SHRINKING!!! NOOO!!! (good thing to I guess. NEW JEANS!!! TEEHEE!!)

Australians are funny! Mychonny, Yourchonny, communitychannel. AWESOME!!!

I read your blogs too!!!

CIAO!

it's been a long time...

I know its been a while since i wrote anything. Since April to be exact. Which makes it ALMOST three months since I last wrote anything.

I'm going to delete my last post, where I poured my heart and soul out and shit. Yeah. There it goes *delete*

Well, I can't actually delete it while I'm typing this. But by the time anyone reads this, it'll be gone.
Wait... No one really reads my blog right? Oh well... Whatever...

its July now. (DUH.. Like you didn't know that already?) And... What's been happening? Not much. Just drama. Well, DRAMA and Drama competition.

Well, what's life without drama?

Anyways. About HS! teehee. (my fav subject)
Garry is still Mr. P
I'm still HS VP
and G is still the Founder (like DUH. Founder can't be changed)

Aaron is SUDDENLY REALLY HS!! I know he's my slave and all, but he has never been that HS.
And the things he says bah!!! Like, SERIOUSLY!! I felt mentally harassed...

Today, I was:
Mentally harassed AGAIN by Aaron. (Dude... you DONT wanna know. Actually, if you were HS, you'd wanna know... TEEHEE)

Stabbed by Garry. (Why you like the backdoor? Why not front door huh??!! Just like up there, you wouldn't wanna know unless you HS. teeheee)

Frightened by this chick who asked me "Apa? Ada masalah?" (I talked about her, and she noticed, and she asked me that. All I said to Adew and Izzat was that I saw her at centre yesterday with the abang from the Canteen! SERIOUS!! And I think she thought that I was mad at her cuz when we(me, G, Maddie) were passing the Lab where her class was, we were talking a bit loud and she SHHHHHed us. Like, REALLY LOUDLY! HOW RUDE! of us... hahaha. NOT her... I DID SAY SORRY!!! DUDE. She could freaking kick my ass! )

Hit by Maddie ( cuz I kept ignoring her questions when she wanted to copy my science note. And I introduced her to this thing I have only ever done with my brother, and I call it "IN MY MIND". Which is something I do to annoy my bro. Its started when my bro and I were in the car... You know that game where you see that turle car, like Mr.Bean's car? Where you hit the person closest to you and your fingers do the PEACE thingy after you've hit them and said "wu gui che" which means TURLTE CAR. Yeah... He saw the car, and HIT me. And I was like, WTF? Then 2 minutes later, I did the same to him. And he was like, "WHERE? I DONT SEE IT!", and I took my fingers and did that GUN shape thing, put it to my forehead and said "IN MY MIND". He laughed so hard. I kept doing that to annoy him. So I did that to Maddie as well. I told her the story, and right after that, I said, "Look! Butterfly! IN MY MIND!!!" and did the finger thingy to the forehead when I said "IN MY MIND". I kept doing stuff like that for maybe ten minutes. And I stopped saying the words, but continued doing the action, and she knew just what I meant. TEEHEE!!)

I just thought about my love life. Wait. What love life???
Well, yeah. I don't have one. Unless you count my fake oneS with some of the boys in my class... TEEHEE... My three husbands and one more, my FIRST one, in some other class... SORRY CHERYL!! teehee.
The last time I had a crush on someone was... I dunno. A month ago?
It was one the same guy I has a crush on last year. Yeah.. If you read my blogs, you'd know who.
He suddenly came back into my life just as my heart was breaking. He seemed to put the pieces back together. He made me happy, jsut when I thought I'd be miserable.

He satyed for a while in my life... he stole my heart. And then? He went MIA... I should've seen it coming. Cuz that's exactly what happened last year.

So yeah... I was a little broken...
But he came back, and made it all better again. And left again.
This 'leaving and returning' thing he does, is SOOOO his trademark.
Well, ups and downs, he made me go through.... (woah.. That was SOOOO Master Yoda!)
Cried over him.
Lost sleep over him.
Wrote song(yes, just one. Well, not even a full one. Just HALF a song. Well, not really even half. Quater lah. Yeah.. 1/4 ONLY) about him.
Fell for him. (Pathetic. I know.)
BUT!!
I got over him as well.
But it hurts to know he left without a goodbye. I mean, did I mean nothing to him?
I know I meant SOMETHING to him once. But do you really just cancel a person out of your life when you think there's nothing there to be done with that person? I mean, he said he ONCE had feelings for me... But do guys just cancel out girls when both sides agree that they're not worth each other's time? DAMN. SO FRUSTRATED.
But whatever....
Its over.
But I hate how he can just pull my heart strings like the puppet master... The last thing I remember he said to me before he left was "luv you".
Here's how it went: (its really short)
purple me, blue him.
ok. well, i gtg change first. so, imma be away for like, a minute or two. try not to miss me so much k, baby?
i'll try my best.
(at this point i checked some of my other stuff like FB before I went to my room. Then he wrote my another msg, which was)
luv you
erm.... love you too?? (really shocked....)
that was new
yeah, we have to try new things everyday to keep things interesting....

ok, like WTF??? Anyways, it didn't mean anything... Which it should have. But I knew it didn't... Its alright... Its all in the past. I'm just telling you cuz its been a while since I wrote. Just writing everything I remember.

So, back to the topic of my "love life".
I DON'T HAVE ONE. Well, not a real one....
That's the conclusion.

Right now I'm waiting for Cheryl to come over. I'm taking her to the Welcome Dinner for the American voulnteers for the charity that my daddy is a Board Member of, Habitat For Humanity. Its a really good charity. Every year, this organisition bulids homes for the poor. AWESOME, RIGHT??? Well, I'm only bringing her cuz she's OBSESED with org putih. And I wanna show her that they're just like us. Well, I'm also bringing her to the Farewell Dinner for the French students who've voulnteered. They weill be closer in age to us compared to the Americans. The Americans voulnteers are mostly Uni students. Some even doing Masters. OLD-NESS!! hahhaah. but WISE.... lol....
And I told her its EXTREMELY CASUAL... Which means nothing to her. Which means she'll be there in heals, make up, fancy accesories and shit. SOOO NOT CASUAL. "brought up like that" she says.... yeah.... well..... yeah.....

Well, I'mma end this now. Cuz I'm hungry!!
Ciao babes! Love you loads!